


A letter for a special day

by fridaysfun



Series: Letters to Alexander [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Malec, alec has died for 12 years, emotional!magnus, magnus and alec - Freeform, magnus writing letters to alec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 21:52:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15180149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridaysfun/pseuds/fridaysfun
Summary: It’s been 12 years since Alec died, and on this very special day, Magnus is writing another letter to him.





	A letter for a special day

_My dearest Alexander,_

_If you were here, you’d be 71 now._

_I know you always hated this day, or at least you were saying so, but I couldn’t help myself and not write to you today._

_I always made you something for this day, not caring if you wanted me to or not. You were such a simple and shy guy, my love, yet so caring and complicated. I remember your first birthday since we got together._

_I still can’t believe that you never mentioned it was your birthday. And that eventually I had to find out from your sister. I was mad at you for a week, it maybe not seemed that way, but I was._

_How could you keep this from me?_

_I also am sorry about it. I threw that terrible birthday party and I invited all your family and even some random Shadowhunters and werewolves you knew from Hunters Moon. I didn’t know you well back then, I didn’t know that you would never want something so big._

_I know you never said you didn’t like it, you even thanked me and told me that it was the perfect birthday night of your whole life after we went to bed together and everyone had left but I could see through your eyes. You didn’t like it at all. You may have fun and maybe it was good having your siblings there, but I should had known better._

_How Alexander Lightwood would like celebrating his birthday with loud music and with too many people around?_

_I still appreciate the fact that you lied about it though, just to make me feel better._

_But I think I made up for it, right?_

_The next year. When I picked you up from the Institute and we had a road trip and then spent the entire night on the beach. It was beautiful, seeing you being your true self that day. At first, I wasn’t sure if you were going to like it or not. I wasn’t entirely sure that you wanted us to spend your birthday together, having a chill night._

_But right at that moment, while I was driving and you were listening to that vintage song you seemed to like that much on the radio, Alison by Elvis Costello, and were genuinely smiling, I immediately knew._

_You were happy._

_And so was I._

_I also remember your 26 th birthday as well. We had this amazing date in Brooklyn and then we just sat in the car, eating m&m’s for the rest of the night. It was the night we planned our first trip to Italy. _

_I still remember how your eyes literally lit up when I mentioned that we should go on vacation together. I already had noticed your love for Italy. You loved Italian food, you were always talking about Rome’s historical places and how insane it was that The Colosseum could fit 50.000 spectators._

_It was beautiful listening to you talk with such passion about the things you loved._

_Our trip to Italy was probably one of my favourite memories with you. It was so fun travelling with you around the world. It was only the start but I loved these four days there._

_For the record, the lock screen of my phone is still that photo of us in front of Fontana Di Trevi._

_You look so beautiful._

_You always did and you always could take my breath away whatever you were wearing, but you looked extremely handsome in this photo._

_It hurts. But I can’t change it._

_At this point, I can’t help but mention your 29 th birthday. The day you made me the happiest man in the entire world by saying just a yes. _

_Actually_ _you didn’t even say yes._

_I remember your exact words, even if you were stuttering, even if my heart was about to jump out of my chest._

_“No, Magnus! I mean, yeah, yes of course, I’ll marry you. But you didn’t have to get a ring!”_

_And then you literally fell on me, hugging me so tight I wasn’t able to take a breath and I swear, right at this moment, my heart was in your hands. And I didn’t care what you were going to do with it, if you were gonna protect it or break it, but it was yours._

_And you never gave it back._

_It’s only yours._

_That night, when you laid in bed next to me, the ring shining on your finger, was one of the best nights I spent with you. You just cuddled with me, wrapped your arms around my waist and slept so peacefully. I already knew you were half angel, but that exact night, I believed that you were completely an angel._

_How could you even manage that, Alexander?_

_You looked so beautiful, so gentle. I remember staring at you for a whole hour until you hummed something and I noticed that you woke up. I closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping since I knew that you hated when I was missing sleep, but what was I thinking?_

_You noticed._

_I expected you to pull away and turn on your side, but you only just squeezed my body tighter. You left a kiss on my neck and whispered that you loved me and that you would marry me with a ring offered or not. And I just smiled, kissing your hairline, not saying a single word._

_My heart was beating way too fast to dare to open my mouth._

_And then your 40 th birthday came._

_I already knew that something was wrong with you since the moment you woke up but I couldn’t find what it was. I remember how grumpy you looked when you got out of bed, how bored and empty when you were getting ready for work._

_I wanted to believe that it wasn’t something serious, that you just woke up this way or that you weren’t feeling yourself today, but the second I kissed you good morning and wished you a happy birthday and you barely kissed me back, I knew something was off._

_I didn’t ask you. I didn’t want to, since you never even looked at me that morning. I let you go, I gave you some time for yourself._

_In the meanwhile, these hours I spent alone was the worst thing. I had planned a date at this French restaurant you wanted to go since forever but seeing you being in such a bad mood, made me doubt if you would want to go somewhere, with me, at all._

_I was starting to feel insecure, I was blaming myself and started to count all the things that maybe made you mad at me. I couldn’t wait for you to come back home and talk things out._

_But that didn’t happen._

_I waited for you since the clock ticked nine. And then I was sure. You hadn’t had any plans for your birthday that included me._

_I got mad. And furious that you hadn’t called, that you hadn’t even sent a simple text that would tell me not to wait for you tonight._

_I thought you wanted to spend the night with your siblings or whoever, but I expected an explanation, an apology even._

_But I was sad too. I didn’t want you to push away from me so I called you myself._

_And you didn’t answer._

_And then I called again._

_And again._

_Until I decided to text Isabelle._

_If you were in front of me at that moment, Alexander, I would punch you in the face._

_And then I’d kiss you and hug you and tell you that I was here if you wanted to talk about whatever was torturing your mind._

_And Isabelle answered that you left a while ago._

_But you didn’t come back home and I couldn’t be more worried. I got out of the house, ready to go to Jace and Clary’s but then I thought about it and I couldn’t believe how this hadn’t clicked before._

_You were sad._

_You didn’t want your 40 th birthday to come._

_You would want to be alone._

_And there was only one place that you always were going when you wanted to be alone._

_Our loft’s roof._

_And I was right. You were above the loft all this time I was trying to track you._

_I reached you there and the moment I saw you standing in front of the roof’s rail, your shoulders tensed and my heart broke. I couldn’t even think of something that could make you so sad, like the way you looked. I came closer even though I wasn’t sure you were aware of my existence there._

_I noticed you glanced at me for a second but you still stayed silent. I didn’t know what to say, or if I had to ask you what was going on, but I didn’t want you to feel pressed or alone either. So, I took your hand. I pushed into mine and I let you know that I was here, even if I said nothing._

_You broke the silence first, your eyes focused on the dark, full of stars sky._

_“I turn 40 today” you had said._

_Your voice was so small, sounded so weak and broken I wanted to cry._

_“I know” I only replied and you nodded as I squeezed your hand more._

_Silence fell again between us and my mind was killing me. On the one hand, I wanted you to tell me why you pushed away from me today, what I did wrong, what or if you wanted to do something tonight, what was on your mind. But on the other hand, I wanted you to be okay, and if staying away from me for a little while helped, I was fine with that._

_But then, it just clicked again._

_I can’t stomach the idea that one day I’m gonna be old and feeble and becoming this burden to you,_

_you_ _one had said._

_Your voice on repeat on my mind finally made sense._

_I turn 40 today._

_“Is that why you’re feeling down today?” I just asked then, knowing that this was it about._

_You didn’t say anything, you just lowered your head and even if I could no longer look into your eyes, I knew every single one of your thoughts, of your insecurities, of everything that was bothering your head since the moment you had woken up this morning._

_I took a step closer, wrapping my other free arm around your waist and pulled you closer into a well-needed hug for both of us._

_I couldn’t see you that way._

_“You will never be a burden to me, Alexander” I just whispered and you sighed, your eyes starting to wet my shirt._

_And that was true. You never, never, were a burden, to me or to anyone. You could ever look too old to me, you could never be ugly or feeble. And even if that was possible, I could never stop loving you._

_I would still be here with you, even if you had grey hair and wrinkles around your eyes. Because I loved you too much to let you go._

_And if I had the chance, I would do anything to bring you back and live to 100._

_I would still be immortal but you would get more years to live your life, to spend them with me._

_I would do anything to erase that day._

_That day you had to be stubborn enough and go to this battle._

_But that doesn’t mean anything right now._

_You were the greatest, bravest and most loyal leader I’ve ever had the honour to know, my Alexander._

_I loved you these times you decided to take the day off and spend it with me in bed but I loved you all the other times you were out there, fighting and being the best shadowhunter alive._

_I loved you because you were you, no matter what you were doing. No matter how I hated seeing you getting involved in battles and ending up getting hurt. But it was yourself you were being._

_Always protecting others, fighting for others._

_It was you, it was a characteristic of the Alexander I fell so in love with._

_I miss you so much._

_I don’t know if the pain is getting worse, but I don’t think it’s getting better either. I think about you too much on the daily, I talk about you with Chairman Meow even._

_I asked him if he missed you the other day and he purred._

_I guess he misses you too then._

_I think I’m going insane, Alexander._

_I love you so much._

_I talk to my cat about you. I don’t think it’s healthy anymore._

_I read that poetry book you had on the top shelf of your bookshelf._

_Your soul is a river by Nikita Gill._

_I read all those lines you had underlined and bookmarked again and again._

_It was one that took my breath away._

**_“Show me the most damaged parts of your soul,_ **

**_and I will show you how it still shines like gold.”_ **

_I wish I could have seen it sooner._

**_“The way you feel when you kiss him for the first time._ **

**_Like fire within your bones._ **

**_Like your soul had returned to the water._ **

**_Like every part of you that came from a dead star is alive again.”_ **

_And I felt exactly the same, my love._

**_“Kiss someone who makes you feel magic in your bones,_ **

**_who makes you wonder how can someone who looks like witchcraft at midnight,_ **

**_tastes so holy.”_ **  
**_  
_ **

_I loved how thoughtfully you picked your favourite lines. It was wonderful seeing what had touched you the most._

_Except for this one line that you hadn’t underlined because obviously, it didn’t have a meaning back then._

_But it has now._

_For me._

_And I underlined it myself. I hope you don’t mind. I did it carefully and I put back the book exactly where it was._

****

**_“But the worst thing about losing you_ **

**_was that you took my heart with you.”_ **

_And it’s yours._

_Always._

_Love,_

_Magnus._

**Author's Note:**

> Another reason why immortal!malec should rise.  
> Let me know your thoughts!  
> 


End file.
